Not Fair

99% of the time I don't mind having epilepsy. It truly doesn't get in the way that often. But there are times when I'm just struck with the realization that this is most likely something I will have to live with for the rest of my life...and I'm not happy about it. I'm worrying about referrals, insurance companies, and EEG appointments while other people my age don't usually have to think about it.

And then I feel insanely guilty because it could be so much worse...but sometimes, I don't want to look on the bright side, or be positive. I want to stamp my feet and whine and feel sorry for myself like a ten year old. I'm not a saint; I have ugly thoughts sometimes, too.

Hah, but then on the other side is the weird part of me that's still pretty fascinated by the brain and how it works and why this happened. My doctor described it in an interesting fashion for me on Friday. He said that everyone is born with these flaws in the wiring of their brains, but for some reason, genetics caused my flaws to activate, causing the electricity in my brain to go haywire and short circuit. It's kind of funny to picture my brain as, like, a factory with a short circuit in one area. I've also found it kind of interesting that some people have aura's before their seizures, like smelling oranges or seeing bright lights, or hearing weird things. I never thought I had an aura, but apparently in partial complex seizures, a feeling of intense fear can be considered an aura, which is something I have experienced every single time before I've had a seizure. Who knew?

On the bright side, I'm 13 months seizure free. Go me! Haha. So, I guess it sucks...but I try to look on the positive side. Sometimes, I just don't want to though.