Nothing else to say

“I hate myself. I have almost always hated myself. I have good reasons for hating myself, but it’s not for bad things I’ve done. I do not hate myself for betrayals, for going behind the back of someone who trusted me. I hate myself because I am not beautiful. I hate myself because I am fat.” –Judith Moore.

Cartoons

There is no possible way, in this entire world, that I'm 19 years old. I love cartoons, like, so much. A few too many of movies are cartoons, and have I mentioned my intense love for stuffed animals? Haha. I don't know. I hold on too tightly to my childhood. Or maybe I just hold on too tightly to cartoons!

I bought the DVD of Toy Story today. It was one of those things where my head was like, it's stupid to spend $20 on a cartoon that I still have the VHS of. But I was like, you know what? I do not even care. I frackin' love this movie and furthermore, I am buying the second one next pay period. Haha. It only got worse when we went to Kohl's and my mom bought me a Buzz Lightyear stuffed animal. lmao. I don't know, there's just something I hardcore love about cartoons, especially Toy Story. Seriously, such a good movie! Haha.

EEG and lady gaga headphones

So, I have to say, ever since the end of last year I have turned into a shameless Lady Gaga addict. Depending on who you talk to, she could be the best singer in the world, or the worst, but I think everyone can agree that she is a bit on the whacky side. See: every outfit she's ever worn. But she has these earbuds that she designed called Heartbeats and I really want a pair. Like, really want a pair. Supposedly the sound is incredible, and I just think they look pretty sweet. Well, I googled them, and I should've known, they're $119 (that's the lowest I could find them, not used. Ew. Used earbuds). So, it looks like I won't be getting a pair in the near future. :( Oh, well.

I am off from my business class until next Wednesday. :) Yay for long weekends. Too bad I have to work Monday. I can't WAIT to go swimming! I've been meditating in the house for like two days because it's so freaking hot outside. Yeah, enjoy the sunshine, but I hate being hot. Over my break from class I have a take home test, 3 installments in my gigantic paper to write, and a current events type article. I hate 7 week classes.

Tomorrow (well, today) I have an EEG scheduled at 1pm. For those not in the know, it's when they attach these little electrode thingies to your head that monitor your brain waves. In my case, they end up flashing really bright, annoying lights at you and make you breath in various stages of annoyingness. They also require you to be sleep deprived, which may end up killing me. Which is why I'm awake instead of snoozing in my bed at the moment. It's only 2:49am and I'm forcing myself to stay awake until 4. Then sleeping. And getting up at 8am. This is the part I hate the most; the rest I really don't mind too much. This is all pretty much routine. Right now it's just finding the balance between being sleep deprived like they require, and getting enough sleep so I don't crash my car off the road on the way there. I'm not looking forward to getting all that sticky glue off my head.

Royal Tenenbaums shirt

I made this :) I have to redesign it now since the minimum order quanitity is 6..and I only want one, haha. :)

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

I've gotta say, sometimes, what I really need is for someone to just say: "Yeah, that sucks." On ocasion, I don't want to be told to cheer up, or think positively. Sometimes I want to wallow in the idea that stuff is sucking at this point in time, and I want to pout about it, and maybe have a good cry. Nothing's worse than when you're in this mood and you have people from every direction telling you to perk up.

I'm not saying things will suck forever. I've grown up enough and learned that everything happens for a reason, and things work out for the best; nothing sucks forever. We have the wise words, "We'd never know what's wrong without the pain", thanks to The Fray. But sometimes I want to let my anxiety and depression consume my whole being. Especially at night, that's when it's worst. When I've stopped doing stuff and am relaxing, and I start thinking...I'm headed to a bad place.

I'm okay. Really. I'm always "okay". Just burning the candle at both ends, and it's starting to effect me.

Life

Ahhhh life. It's alwayssss changing, and you just gotta roll with the punches. Like I said before, I'm trying my hardest to be more positive, but sometimes it's just kinda hard to look for the positive in stuff that sucks. So far this week hasn't been all that bad, though.

I had my first test in Business today. It didn't seem all that hard (especially considering I didn't study all that much) but usually when I think like that, I fail it, haha. It was on 4 chapters plus part of the appendix in our book. Crazy shit. I had to pick a publicly traded company to do this 13 part research paper on, and I chose Barnes and Noble. I find out on Monday if I've been doing the work for the class correctly and if not we're allowed to resubmit the work for full credit, which is really nice.

Yesterday I finished the book House Rules by Jodi Picoult. It's about this 18 year old boy, Jacob, who has Asperger's, a form of high functioning autism. It centers around his possible involvement in the murder of his social skills tutor, and about his family and how they handle this condition of his. It was a really good read up till the end, where it kind of pissed me off. Now I'm trucking through My Lobotomy: A Memoir by Howard Dully. Afterwards I think I'll either read Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult or finally finish The Condition. Mmmm books.

I went to see Death at A Funeral with Brant tonight. Apparently we are Wednesday night movie buddies and I love it, haha. We ate peanut butter and jelly sammiches and drank giant pops and hey, I actually managed to make it to Starbucks to hang out with him before the movie this time! Granted he met me at the CVS across the street and directed me...lmao. Oh well. Fun times.

I should probably go to sleep...I have to get up earlyish [for me] to go get my blood drawn. It has to be drawn before my AM dose. Poor me :( Haha.

Not Fair

99% of the time I don't mind having epilepsy. It truly doesn't get in the way that often. But there are times when I'm just struck with the realization that this is most likely something I will have to live with for the rest of my life...and I'm not happy about it. I'm worrying about referrals, insurance companies, and EEG appointments while other people my age don't usually have to think about it.

And then I feel insanely guilty because it could be so much worse...but sometimes, I don't want to look on the bright side, or be positive. I want to stamp my feet and whine and feel sorry for myself like a ten year old. I'm not a saint; I have ugly thoughts sometimes, too.

Hah, but then on the other side is the weird part of me that's still pretty fascinated by the brain and how it works and why this happened. My doctor described it in an interesting fashion for me on Friday. He said that everyone is born with these flaws in the wiring of their brains, but for some reason, genetics caused my flaws to activate, causing the electricity in my brain to go haywire and short circuit. It's kind of funny to picture my brain as, like, a factory with a short circuit in one area. I've also found it kind of interesting that some people have aura's before their seizures, like smelling oranges or seeing bright lights, or hearing weird things. I never thought I had an aura, but apparently in partial complex seizures, a feeling of intense fear can be considered an aura, which is something I have experienced every single time before I've had a seizure. Who knew?

On the bright side, I'm 13 months seizure free. Go me! Haha. So, I guess it sucks...but I try to look on the positive side. Sometimes, I just don't want to though.