When It's All Over...

So, I'm kinda sad today, for like a pretty dumb reason, but basically, as most of you know, little stuff gets to me a lot of the time. It's just kind of...me.

Another reason I'm sad is yep you guessed it: school. OK, it's time to be June 6. [Commencement! :>D] I HATE HATE HATE all classes except lunch and LMC. math needs to just die. spanish is trying to kill me. couldn't tell you why. mr. foster is Chicken Little. Law is boring. UGH. im like...stuck in this rut.

And everybody keeps pushing me to go to Prom, which...like I want to go, I do, to be with Maegan, and Larry and all of my friends and stuff for one of our last big things before Graduation, but I've never been a big dance person. it's not really me.

plus im really antsy about next year, and like, the rest of my life. I've been experimenting around with the idea of being a doctor which like, is scaring the hell out of me. I thought I had everything figured out: Scraft next year, hospital program, and BOOM career. But now I'm like...what if I could be a neurologist? What if I made it? I just [and this is cheesy, bear with me] don't want to have any regrets, and I don't want to look back and wonder if I could've made it. There's still a big part of me that doesn't think I'm smart enough, and there's an even bigger part of me that thinks I need some major confidence boosting abilities. I want to be happy more than anything.

And like I said, I used to think I'd stay here, where I've grown up by all my family, forever, but now that I'm almost[ish] 18, I'm starting to think maybe branching out would be good for me, and maybe even good for them. I'm starting to realize everyone needs change, and I'd like one [eventually]. Baby steps. So I'm thinking maybe next summer, not this coming up one, I might go stay in Chicago for the summer. Jimmy is there, and I always liked it there. I want to go to a big city, too, but I don't wanna go so far away as New York. I just, I'm excited just thinking about it. Being away from home, semi on my own, is so exciting to me, because I've never done it before, and I won't be going away to school next year.

It's not that I don't love my family and best friends, but I do need to, in a sense, grow up and learn to take care of myself. I think a summer away would be a good way to sort of do that. Of course I wouldn't do it without my mom's blessing, and without her knowing everything, and maybe even coming for a little bit. But it seems like something i need to do.

Idk, I just have SO many huge life changing decisions to make and I feel like I'm going to crack.