Nothing else to say

“I hate myself. I have almost always hated myself. I have good reasons for hating myself, but it’s not for bad things I’ve done. I do not hate myself for betrayals, for going behind the back of someone who trusted me. I hate myself because I am not beautiful. I hate myself because I am fat.” –Judith Moore.

Cartoons

There is no possible way, in this entire world, that I'm 19 years old. I love cartoons, like, so much. A few too many of movies are cartoons, and have I mentioned my intense love for stuffed animals? Haha. I don't know. I hold on too tightly to my childhood. Or maybe I just hold on too tightly to cartoons!

I bought the DVD of Toy Story today. It was one of those things where my head was like, it's stupid to spend $20 on a cartoon that I still have the VHS of. But I was like, you know what? I do not even care. I frackin' love this movie and furthermore, I am buying the second one next pay period. Haha. It only got worse when we went to Kohl's and my mom bought me a Buzz Lightyear stuffed animal. lmao. I don't know, there's just something I hardcore love about cartoons, especially Toy Story. Seriously, such a good movie! Haha.

EEG and lady gaga headphones

So, I have to say, ever since the end of last year I have turned into a shameless Lady Gaga addict. Depending on who you talk to, she could be the best singer in the world, or the worst, but I think everyone can agree that she is a bit on the whacky side. See: every outfit she's ever worn. But she has these earbuds that she designed called Heartbeats and I really want a pair. Like, really want a pair. Supposedly the sound is incredible, and I just think they look pretty sweet. Well, I googled them, and I should've known, they're $119 (that's the lowest I could find them, not used. Ew. Used earbuds). So, it looks like I won't be getting a pair in the near future. :( Oh, well.

I am off from my business class until next Wednesday. :) Yay for long weekends. Too bad I have to work Monday. I can't WAIT to go swimming! I've been meditating in the house for like two days because it's so freaking hot outside. Yeah, enjoy the sunshine, but I hate being hot. Over my break from class I have a take home test, 3 installments in my gigantic paper to write, and a current events type article. I hate 7 week classes.

Tomorrow (well, today) I have an EEG scheduled at 1pm. For those not in the know, it's when they attach these little electrode thingies to your head that monitor your brain waves. In my case, they end up flashing really bright, annoying lights at you and make you breath in various stages of annoyingness. They also require you to be sleep deprived, which may end up killing me. Which is why I'm awake instead of snoozing in my bed at the moment. It's only 2:49am and I'm forcing myself to stay awake until 4. Then sleeping. And getting up at 8am. This is the part I hate the most; the rest I really don't mind too much. This is all pretty much routine. Right now it's just finding the balance between being sleep deprived like they require, and getting enough sleep so I don't crash my car off the road on the way there. I'm not looking forward to getting all that sticky glue off my head.

Royal Tenenbaums shirt

I made this :) I have to redesign it now since the minimum order quanitity is 6..and I only want one, haha. :)

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

I've gotta say, sometimes, what I really need is for someone to just say: "Yeah, that sucks." On ocasion, I don't want to be told to cheer up, or think positively. Sometimes I want to wallow in the idea that stuff is sucking at this point in time, and I want to pout about it, and maybe have a good cry. Nothing's worse than when you're in this mood and you have people from every direction telling you to perk up.

I'm not saying things will suck forever. I've grown up enough and learned that everything happens for a reason, and things work out for the best; nothing sucks forever. We have the wise words, "We'd never know what's wrong without the pain", thanks to The Fray. But sometimes I want to let my anxiety and depression consume my whole being. Especially at night, that's when it's worst. When I've stopped doing stuff and am relaxing, and I start thinking...I'm headed to a bad place.

I'm okay. Really. I'm always "okay". Just burning the candle at both ends, and it's starting to effect me.

Life

Ahhhh life. It's alwayssss changing, and you just gotta roll with the punches. Like I said before, I'm trying my hardest to be more positive, but sometimes it's just kinda hard to look for the positive in stuff that sucks. So far this week hasn't been all that bad, though.

I had my first test in Business today. It didn't seem all that hard (especially considering I didn't study all that much) but usually when I think like that, I fail it, haha. It was on 4 chapters plus part of the appendix in our book. Crazy shit. I had to pick a publicly traded company to do this 13 part research paper on, and I chose Barnes and Noble. I find out on Monday if I've been doing the work for the class correctly and if not we're allowed to resubmit the work for full credit, which is really nice.

Yesterday I finished the book House Rules by Jodi Picoult. It's about this 18 year old boy, Jacob, who has Asperger's, a form of high functioning autism. It centers around his possible involvement in the murder of his social skills tutor, and about his family and how they handle this condition of his. It was a really good read up till the end, where it kind of pissed me off. Now I'm trucking through My Lobotomy: A Memoir by Howard Dully. Afterwards I think I'll either read Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult or finally finish The Condition. Mmmm books.

I went to see Death at A Funeral with Brant tonight. Apparently we are Wednesday night movie buddies and I love it, haha. We ate peanut butter and jelly sammiches and drank giant pops and hey, I actually managed to make it to Starbucks to hang out with him before the movie this time! Granted he met me at the CVS across the street and directed me...lmao. Oh well. Fun times.

I should probably go to sleep...I have to get up earlyish [for me] to go get my blood drawn. It has to be drawn before my AM dose. Poor me :( Haha.

Not Fair

99% of the time I don't mind having epilepsy. It truly doesn't get in the way that often. But there are times when I'm just struck with the realization that this is most likely something I will have to live with for the rest of my life...and I'm not happy about it. I'm worrying about referrals, insurance companies, and EEG appointments while other people my age don't usually have to think about it.

And then I feel insanely guilty because it could be so much worse...but sometimes, I don't want to look on the bright side, or be positive. I want to stamp my feet and whine and feel sorry for myself like a ten year old. I'm not a saint; I have ugly thoughts sometimes, too.

Hah, but then on the other side is the weird part of me that's still pretty fascinated by the brain and how it works and why this happened. My doctor described it in an interesting fashion for me on Friday. He said that everyone is born with these flaws in the wiring of their brains, but for some reason, genetics caused my flaws to activate, causing the electricity in my brain to go haywire and short circuit. It's kind of funny to picture my brain as, like, a factory with a short circuit in one area. I've also found it kind of interesting that some people have aura's before their seizures, like smelling oranges or seeing bright lights, or hearing weird things. I never thought I had an aura, but apparently in partial complex seizures, a feeling of intense fear can be considered an aura, which is something I have experienced every single time before I've had a seizure. Who knew?

On the bright side, I'm 13 months seizure free. Go me! Haha. So, I guess it sucks...but I try to look on the positive side. Sometimes, I just don't want to though.

I wish everyone would stop bashing the new Nightmare on Elm Street. I am all for classic horror, but I can really enjoy a good remake, of which this WAS.

I had a nice evening two nights in a row, for once. It was pretty cool. Last night I went to the movies with my friend Brant and we saw NOES [second time for me, first for him]. I was SUPPOSED to meet him at Starbucks before but I couldn't find it....I'm a smart one. :] I had fun, we both loooove movies so it's nice to hang out with someone who gets my weird obsession ;]

And then tonight Mae came over and I introduced her to the first of many classic horror films, the '84 NOES. She liked it, I think, until the end. It was fun, we giggled like five years old and made noises at each other like old times. It made me insanely, stupidly, deliriously happy.

I've been writing in a journal a lot more lately, versus making blog posts. I can't talk about all the stuff I really need to talk about on here, so my journal has been baring the brunt of it. It doesn't mind, teehee. :] It feels good to get a bunch of shit off my chest. I'm never completely honest with my feelings [even in my head] but I've been trying to write down EVERYTHING I feel and not censor the hell out of it. I mean, it's paper. Paper won't judge me.

I'm so glad it's the weekend. Although I do have a ton of business homework to do :( Oh well. It'll get done. I have a neurologist appointment tomorrow, my customary six month check up. Basically, he'll doodle a picture of a brain with a seizure disorder on the paper on the exam table, ask me how school is going and whether I've had any seizures, scold me for not getting my blood work done and order an EEG, and give me a refill on my scrip. WEEEE. Fun shit. Not. Ahhhh, well, that's how it goes.

'Night, people.

New classes and mother's day

Well, I guess I should just say new class. I started my new class today and I am sooo glad that it's only ONE class! Seriously, I didn't think anyone could cram that much information and work into one semester, but apparently we're going to be doing it. We have 3 tests, a cumulative final, and this giant research paper we're going to be doing all along that is worth 450 points. My soul hurts. Business 101 may kill me. Ouchie. But I'm hoping I can make myself do all of the work, and do it well. I need something to keep my brain busy.

Mother's Day 2010 was very nice. I went to mass with my mom, grandma, great grandma, aunt and 2 cousins at 11am and after we had a nice brunch over at my great grandma's house. I'm glad that we've been making time to see and spend time with my g. grandma because we really think she's not doing so well. She keeps saying that she feels like this will be her last year and though we hope it won't be...you can never be sure. Anyway, it's nice to be with my family.

After that we went over to Grandma's for a while before I had to go to work :( Like I said Saturday, I got her a tomato plant. We sort of put our summer vacation plans into action, at the very least we are all thinking about. I'm still holding out for somewhere with a waterfall (I feel like I desperately need to take a waterfall picture. It's on my photography bucket list), though we all were looking at Sleeping Bear Dunes. I don't know, it might be too far away...I haven't even looked at that aspect of it. When I'm looking at places, I just google a hotel in the area and mapquest directions from Grandma's to that hotel, just to get a general idea. So we'll see.

Regardless, I'm excited for upcoming summer plans. I hope we get in some amazing sight seeing and I can get some amazing pictures. I also want to take several photography related day trips. Sorry people, this well be the epic photography-reading-family-friends summer of 2010. Get ready for itttttt!

How to Train Your Dragon, Precious, and flowers

Mmm I'm rather tired. I need to be getting to bed, I have a busy day tomorrow. This morning I was woken by my mom who said my aunt and cousin wanted us to go out to Romulus with them to this nursery. Brenda (my aunt) is on the search for this type of rosebush plus she needed to get the flowers and vegetable plants for her big garden she does every summer.

Me and my mom ended up getting some stuff too. We got green, red, and yellow pepper plants, and this like chimanea thing or something...I don't really know what it's for but Mom was really excited about it. I bought this tomato plant that's made specifically for porches. At least, that's what it's called, a porch tomato plant. I bought one for Grandma, too, for Mother's Day. She was just complaining that when she planted tomatoes last year, they died in her soil, so hopefully this will make her really happy. :)

Today I went to see How to Train Your Dragon with Jennifer (my cousin). I saw it a couple weeks ago with my cousin Michele, but I loved it so much I saw it again. It's such a cute movie, I want a stuffed animal of Toothless so bad :] And then tonight I watched the movie Precious. Wow. I can't even begin to tell you how unbelievably intense, sad, heartbreaking, etc that movie was. I can't even imagine living a life like that, it really put things into perspective, how things could really be so much worse.

It gave me an even deeper appreciate for my Mom, even though we fight she has never done and would never do anything near like Precious's mother did. So sad ;( I'm so appreciative of everything my mom has done and continues to do every day for me... I don't say it enough, but I love you, Mom <3 Happy Mother's Day to every other (deserving) mother out there. :)

Updates

Wellllll the awful winter semester of 2009-2010 is over. Technically it was over a week ago, meaning this post is heinously late, but what can you do? I've been busy catching up on my recorded TV, reading, getting copious hours of sleep, and working. That's basically how my week off between last Friday and next Monday, when my spring class starts, was spent. It wasn't bad, I've actually rather enjoyed myself this week. It's been nice to get enough sleep and relax without tearing my hair out and worrying constantly.

Oh, grades. Not so good. Not good at all, actually. I ended up with a 1.o in Stats, 2.1 in the child w/ special needs, 3.6 in the art of being human, and 3.7 in Spanish. My overall GPA tanked from a 3.3 to a 2.5. Ugh. I'm pissed at myself. It's a little late in the game to be doing this. I can only hope I pull it up at least a bit with this Spring class, and in the fall...well, I hope it gets pulled up even more. :( I feel dumb. Anyways.

Me and Mae tie dyed shirts on Tuesday. They turned out pretty good, I think, considering I'm not good at hands on crafts.

Hmm what else. I saw Nightmare on Elm Street at midnight last Thursday with my friend Catherine. It was awesome, I really liked it. I've also recently seen The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou & The Vicious Kind. The Life Aquatic was quite disappointing, normally I love anything Wes Anderson, but this was just...long and dull. :( The Vicious Kind was fantastic, though. I really liked it.

Summer is fast approaching...I can't waittttt. I want to go swimming so bad. I'm probably going to be buying an underwater camera (and don't try to talk me out of it!). I really want to be able to take pictures by water and even in water...just don't ask. Me and Grandma are trying to start planning our vacation now. I want to go somewhere different (and farther away) but she hates driving. She also refuses to allow me to drive anywhere. Ugh lol.

Life is going along...some other stuff sucks but things are okay. Life goes on.