Oct 30 2009

Today was a pretty good day. I picked Maegan up at like 1 because her keys were locked inside her car, and then she went to the bank and Kroger with me, to get pumpkins :] Which I plan on carving tomorrow. Then I took her back home and mom and I went to best buy and target to get Grandma her birthday presents. Her birthday's on November 4.

Then at like 5, Derrick came to my house and picked me and Mae back up and we went and took pictures of him. He drove us to this out of the way woods in Northville which was really awesome, and it would have been better if the weather wasn't so crappy. It was still really awesome though. I got some really great shots of him-they're on facebook, or you can always check them out here at Flickr. I had a really good time, I hope Mae did, too. Tomorrow we're supposed to take her cousin's pictures...I hope it's not disgusting outside.

Happy Halloween. =]

Rude People and Positive Attitudes

Okay, what is up with people being really rude and really mean lately? Especially when they have no business doing so and I totally haven't provoked them.

Friday that receptionist at my neurologist's office was downright evil...even though on Monday the referral agent from my PCP called and said that she took care of my referral and faxed them the correct one, which was REALLY nice of her. I wasn't in the mood to call them and complain and whine and dance around in circles until they felt like giving me the correct referral. But anyways. The receptionist at the actual doctor's office was very rude when I was nothing but 100% cordial and polite to her.

Then Sunday, a customer got into it with me on the phone at the work, she was screaming and swearing at me and acting like a general psychopath until we got off the phone, then she called back and whined and sobbed to Brant that I was the one being inappropriate and screaming at her. Fail. Again, I was never anything but cordial and polite to HER.

And yesterday I went to the dentist and he was really rude, too! I'm beginning to think I give off some air of being a huge wimp that people can take advantage of. He kept yelling at me to open my mouth wider, and he was jamming sharp objects directly into my gums and the center of my teeth and it hurt so bad. Then he yelled at me for sucking on the spit sucker thing before he wanted me to--which, isn't the spit sucker more for ME than for him? Whatevs.

He gave me a referral to an oral surgeon at U of M Hospital to have my wisdom teeth extracted. Only problem is that my insurance does not, and probably will not cover the cost, even if they're impacted or infected. The lady on the phone says there has to be severe damage to or threat of damage to my teeth before it's covered. So, unless I miraculously come into 1,200 dollars sometime soon, these puppies are staying in. Ouch. I have to go back to the dentist Tuesday at noon to have some fillings put in. He didn't tell me how many, however, because he hated me and didn't wish to communicate. Go figure.

Anyways. Done ranting and raving now. I'm trying out a new positive attitude lately, and hoping it works. It made today a bit easier, at least. =]

Halloween Party, School Stuff, Frustrating Doctors

It's been a while since I've posted last. This week was pretty busy, at least it seemed pretty long. The leaves are really starting to fall, which means I have to start raking them soon...and that Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here before we know it. I should start taking extra shifts here and there to be able to have extra money for Christmas...but I also need to start concentrating a bit more on school. Gah, decisions.

Today was Brenda's big Halloween party...Mae and I went and dressed up as Thing 1 and Thing 2. Our costumes were amaaaazing! I think we were the most original ones there, for sure. We had our blue wigs on that we had to bobbypin, but they stayed on really well. We had red shirts with paper on them that said Thing 1 or Thing 2. And we painted our faces white. I didn't know how they would turn out but they came together really well and we were super cute! We had a pretty good time. :] Pictures to come later. Then we also watched Cat in the Hat when we came home, lol.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a counselor at Schoolcraft so she could help me pick out my classes for next semester. She also gave me a timeline of classes I'll need to take that will prepare me to transfer to Eastern. I didn't realize it before but I could be at Eastern by fall 2010 or more likely winter 2010. That is insane! I have to get my Associate's at Scraft, then I plan on getting a Bachelor's in Psych at Eastern, and then my Master's in Speech Pathology. It sounds like a TON of work and it will be, but honestly I am so excited and happy that I've made my decision that it doesn't even matter to me that it will be so much school and work. I want this, really bad, and it feels good to want something like this. :]

Yesterday I also was supposed to have my checkup with my neurologist, Dr. Manica. I go see him every six months and there has never been a problem, but the only time I go by myself, everything falls apart! The receptionist (who was the world's biggest bitch by the way) called me to the desk and said "You need to call your doctor and have them fax over a new referral with an x and 5 digits on it because we don't take this referral anymore. The insurance company won't accept it and pay the bill so you need to go take care of that." I was so confused. Then the receptionist yelled at me because she had to call the doctor's office because the referral agent had no clue what she was talking about. And then she yelled at me and said I should've taken care of this before I even came into the office even though NO ONE, at the MINDS clinic OR the insurance company notified me of any changes. It pisses me off. I could've done something about this if I had been given proper notice. But no. I'm just supposed to KNOW of changes, according to the receptionist.GUH, she was such a bitch.

So long story short the referral didn't go through and I drove all the way there for nothing. And the receptionist made me cry. Like, sobbing tears. And I never got to see my doctor. I told the lady that they had better find a way to squeeze me in when I try to make another appointment because this WAS NOT MY FAULT, it was their's and the insurance company's. It'll be a cold day in hell when I can't refill my prescription because of a piece of paper that I shouldn't even need anyways, I've been going to him for 15 years. I know it's protocol and stuff and the visit won't be covered unless I have one, but it's just annoying.

ANYWAYS. =] Bedtime.

My issues with the season premiere of Degrassi

Almost three weeks ago, the new season of Degrassi: The Next Generation premiered on Teen Nick [formerly the N]. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a ridiculous addiction to this show; I watch it all the time and I have 22 episodes of it recorded on my DVR. In case anyone is unfamiliar with the show, it's about a group of Canadian teenagers in high school or college that come face to face with a lot of issues that many teens face. Not all teens face all the stuff they do...but the show tries to address every possible issue; drugs, rape, sex, sexuality, self mutilation, gangs, violence, shootings...you get the picture. Most of the time it tries too hard and ends up being sort of cheesy but I still love it.

The first episode was about one of the main characters now, Peter, getting addicted to crystal meth. Okay, let me just say that on Degrassi, the characters have a tendency to have something happen to them, and then by the end of the episode, or episodes if it's a two parter, they're over it. Example: a few seasons ago, one character named Darcy got date raped at a party. It was a two part episode, where she freaked out about being raped as one generally would, and then after the episode was over, it was over. I think they may have mentioned it one more time in another episode, about her therapy and how she was still upset about being raped and hadn't told anyone yet, but that was it. That's my biggest complaint about the show, nothing ever gets played out. It just happens in hyper speed, and then it's over.

Anyways, so Peter goes to this swanky dinner party with Mia, his girlfriend, and he's bored and feeling very awkward because he embarrassed himself in front of all these rich, important people, and a girl gives him something to snort. Okay, issue number one: I get that the show is trying to demonstrate that drug addiction starts innocently like that, but come on. It was the first time he'd met this girl who gave it to him, and he just goes into the bathroom and snorts something she gave him? That is, I hope, totally unrealistic. If I just met someone and they were like, ooh, here you go, this'll make you feel better, you know what to do with it...then I'd be like uhhh wtf.

So, he snorts what he thinks is coke and starts acting like an even bigger freak at this party than he was before. Declan tells a bewildered Mia that his cousin/friend/whoever was handing out crystal meth and that's what's up with Peter. So she takes him home. Scene cuts to him all strung out in the morning and Mia telling him that if he wants to move to Paris with her, then he has to be good and act mature, and he promises he won't do meth every again. Blah blah blah, him all sick and strung out at school and being angry and snapping at all of his friends about how he's moving to Paris with Mia. Declan corners Peter in the computer lab where he's talking to Riley about how sick he feels and Declan tells Peter that meth's gonna destroy him if he keeps doing it and Riley is all WHUT YOU DID METH? Issue number two. You do not casually discuss your friend's meth usage in the computer lab at school. Meth is not something to be played around with; it's not pot. Pot's stupid, but Meth is on an entirely different PLANET of stupid. So, directors of Degrassi, if you want to portray how serious an addiction to meth is, please don't have your characters idly chit chatting about it. Thank you.

Later on Peter goes to visit Mia at her photo shoot where he acts like a douche and knocks stuff over and embarrasses her. Cut to Mia coming to see him later where he's headbanging in his apartment, clearly on something, and they get in a huge argument about how he promised her THAT MORNING that he wouldn't do meth every again and here he is at night doing it again. He yells at her and says he doesn't want to move to Paris and why does she get to decide? And they break up. He's still tweaking the next morning...and then into the afternoon...and the evening. He's basically running around screaming and hitting people and being weird. Issue number three. Meth is expensive, I'm assuming, so where did Peter, a high school student with no job, get the money for enough meth to keep him high for 24 hours? Ridiculous.

So it's like 10 at night and his friends know by now about the meth and he calls them screaming about how he's at an intersection somewhere freaking out and they come get him and stay with him. He then calls his mom to come back home from wherever she was to live with him again, and the episode ends with him admitting to Mia on webcam that he has a drug problem and Peter's mom telling him that one relapse and she's packing him off to rehab. Issue 5: you do not, under any circumstances, allow your son who's been abusing massive amounts of crystal meth to not go to rehab. I mean, meth screws your brain up. Are you really going to take the chance of him not doing it again and trusting the drug user's statement that he swears he'll never do it again? I mean what the heck. At least enroll him in an outpatient program or something. Something that'll keep him straight...

So yeah. This was longer than expected but basically it pisses me off that nothing can ever be played out and sometimes stupid decisions are made. Lol.

By the way. The title of this post is a link to the first part of the season premiere. Search Hulu for the second part. :]

Magician

Today, Mom, Grandpa and I went to Red Robin for dinner because I had a free birthday burger coupon. After we were done eating we were just sitting there, talking, and all of a sudden this guy was behind us. He sat down and told us his name was Ted and he was a magician that worked with Red Robin.

He was so funny, and it was really entertaining. He put two balls in my moms hand and then told her to make a fist. Then he counted to three and then had her open her hand...and there were three balls in there. I know it sounds kind of ridiculous lol but I am really amused by that kind of stuff. Then he did some kind of a card trick with Grandpa and then he had us look at these cards with names on them and then he guessed which name we were thinking of. It was pretty cool, haha.

Then he asked me if I knew the definition of a "Wannabe". And I was like uhh, someone who wants to be something that they aren't. And he said, "Yes, someone who wants to be something else besides what they are at that moment. Doesn't sound like it's always a bad thing, does it?" And I was like, "No, I guess not." Then he wrote down on the back of one of his business cards "I can be anything I wannabe if I wannabe" and made me repeat it several times. He said to look at it whenever I felt like everything was falling apart and that I couldn't keep going, whether it was with school or work or life in general and to remember that I can be what I "wannabe" if I want to and to keep pushing through because hard work is how it happens.

Kind of cheesy but I personally think there's at least some truth behind it. I can be anything I want to be, within reason of course, we're talking career wise, or happiness wise, as long as I work at it and don't just give up. Because nothing happens if you give up. Just something to think about, I guess.

Post Birthday Blog

Well, I'm another year older. Sunday I turned 19. I had to work from 3 to close because I couldn't find someone to cover my shift, but I had a really good day nevertheless. Katie came up to visit me at work and so did Heather, Jennifer and Brenda. I got way too many presents, lol. My mom got me a season of Degrassi, a laptop table, a book, a Wii game, and a couple other things. Mae got me a photography reflector which I was super excited to try on Saturday, until her little sister thought we were freaks and we didn't end up taking any pictures, lol. I'm super excited about the reflector, though. I got Monsters vs. Aliens and Ordinary People from Brenda, Heather, Jennifer and Uncle Mike [Ordinary People is still in the mail lol]. Got a 25$ gift card to barnes and noble from Steve and Michele. Money from Grandpa and Grandma. A gas card from Grandma Wikoff.

My Dad didn't bother to call...I almost expected him to, it's very typical of him to call on my birthday or christmas, probably to make himself feel better rather than anybody else. A phone call a couple times a year doesn't do me any good, so he might as well just not call. On Halloween it will be one year since I last talked to him. He's a jerk and I guess like people say, it's his loss. But it still kind of hurts sometimes, like he has no idea what kind of person I am now. If you asked him what classes I'm taking in school, what I want to be, what my favorite hobby is, who my best friend is, what kind of car I drive, what kind of dog I have and what her name is, which Jimmy John's I work at, he wouldn't have a clue. Sometimes I'm glad I don't talk to him, because do I really need that kind of a jerk in my life? But sometimes I also wish he lived nearby and I saw him on weekends or something, because I wish I had a dad. Or at least I wish I had a Dad who gave a shit and wanted to know me. Anyways...

Pretty great birthday. =] Thanks everyone.

Oct. 16 2009

Today was a pretty great day. After Mae got out of class, I picked her up and we went to Parmenter's, a cider mill. We just walked around there and took tons of pictures, which turned out great. These two ladies were feeding some ducks and there was a good 25 ducks swarmed around, it was almost creepy. We got some pretty good pictures of them.

After that, me and my mom and Mae went to Target and I picked out some birthday presents =] Then her parents took me and her out to Culver's for my birthday which was so nice. Mae got me a reflector for my birthday, which I'm gonna totally use for Paige's pictures tomorrow. The reflector has five different colors, I think, and it's really neat. I feel like such a professional photographer now!

weekend!

Gah, I'm so glad it's the weekend! I feel like this week was brutal. My birthday's on Sunday. :] But I have to work unless I can miraculously find someone to cover my shift by then. No fair. But anyways...

Today I'm going to the cider mill with Mae! It's gonna be awesome, I'm totally buying some donuts and caramel apples :] Then tomorrow I'm taking Paige's homecoming pictures and possibly going to the movies with Kristina. Then sunday is my birthdayyyyyy. And hopefully someone will work for me cuz I want to go to dinner, lol.

A combination of really sad and really stupid

My mom has this, like, four foot tall stuffed witch that's supposed to sit on your front porch around halloween time. It's just a stupid decoration that was kind of cute. My mom leaves it on the porch during the day and brings it inside at night.

Well, today it was sitting on the porch and it was there when I left for work at 11. When my mom came home from work at 3:30, she asked me if I had taken it inside or put it in the garage or something. And I told her no, because why would I touch it? And she was like, well, it's gone...we came to the conclusion that someone stole the witch off of our front porch. How freaking sad is that?

This really bugged me, because A., it was ours... and B. because it wasn't like whoever it was stole something expensive, something they could sell for a lot of money. They stole a damn halloween decoration. That's so STUPID. If you see some kind of yard art or something in someone's yard that you like, you think to yourself, oh, that's cute, and then you try to find it on google or you look around at the hardware store or you simply WISH it was yours. You do not park your car, go up to someone's house, and take it and put it in your car.

What the hell, guys.

Hopeful

The past week or so I've been in some kind of weird funk. I've just been really wired and anxious and depressed. Yesterday it was so bad that I literally almost couldn't get out of bed. I was angry because I didn't want to get up and go to school, I had a test and I wanted to lay around all day. And it didn't go well, at all, but I suppose we could attribute some of that to me being a negative nancy. Either way, I just didn't want to be like that. When I get sucked into that kind of negative thinking and behavior, it doesn't stop after a few days. It snowballs until I'm crying all the time and not doing any schoolwork and barely functioning. I didn't want to allow it to get like that...so I took control and I didn't let it.

Today, instead of just giving in and skipping my one and only class on Tuesday, I got up and went to school. Then I came home, ate, had a little bit of computer and TV time, then picked up Mae and we went to the library so we could both do some studying. It was really productive and I'm so glad we went. I don't really have any homework besides reading and studying, so I just spent time reading my book that I have to read for US History and taking notes on it so when it comes time to write my report, I have notes and page numbers to reference for it. Then I read half of my chapter for abnormal psych, and a bit of the book I'm reading for Psych too. And I managed to have an enjoyable time with Mae while I did it, too, without getting very distracted.

I felt really good about it all, like I'm taking control instead of letting my negative behavior, attitude and thinking control me and what I do and how I perform, academically.

Also, I think Mae and I found halloween costumes. Thing one and Thing two. It's gonna be awesome. =]

My lips are starting to get chapped...ahh, here comes winter...!

I had a Poli Sci test today, which wasn't too hard but I definitely didn't feel prepared for it. What's new?

I'm going to the library tomorrow to study, and read some of both of the books I've taken under for History and Abnormal Psych.

Here's hoping I snap out of this horrible funk I've worked myself into soon.

I'm sleepy.

I've started to watch the new season of Desperate Housewives. It seems pretty good, I have two more episodes to watch before I'm caught up. I also have to watch Community, Degrassi, and House. Blah. Lots of TV I want to watch and even more schoolwork that has to get done.

I'm gonna go read my stupid book for History and then go to sleep. And then the stupid week starts all over again...let's hope this one is better than the last.

My birthday's in 6 days.

Overwhelmed

Wanna hear what I'm behind on doing and what I have to finish?

-Read a book for US History
-Finish a book for Abnormal Psych, or find an article to work on for my article project.
-Catch up on (or start...) my reading for Poli Sci
-Study for my test in Poli Sci on Monday
-Catch up on the stuff I'm supposed to be doing in my computer class
-Work.
-Learn how to not bug everyone.
-Save more money.
-Get more sleep.

Today was basically one of the worst days in a long time. My mom and I fought for quite a few hours, and then after everything "calmed down" I went to go hang out with Nichole and my car wouldn't start. I started freaking out again and crying because I am tired. I am stressed and overworked and tired and sometimes it feels like when things are already piling up, one more thing has to add to the mix.

It was my fault, too. The car was cranking over but it wouldn't start. I called Grandpa in hysterics and he told me try and put some more gas in the car. So I tried that, and it didn't work. Then I decided to check my oil, and voila. There isn't a DROP of oil in the car. So Grandpa told me to buy a couple of quarts of oil. Which I did, and I emptied them in my engine and after that it took a few tries, but it started, thank God. At first I was so mad that this happened, but then I realized that it's entirely my fault. I know better than to leave something as important as checking oil for as long as I did. It was completely empty. I'm such a failure. I can't even check my oil, or balance my schoolwork well with the other things I've got going on. I'm so freaking irresponsible. I will never be able to get my Master's and get a job and have an adult LIFE. Gosh.

College Night

Last night was college night at Schoolcraft, and I was actually able to attend even though I had a class because my teacher let us out about an hour early. It was jam packed, full of people of every age looking for information. There were probable 80+ colleges there from all over the US with representatives waiting to answer your questions about their University or College. I thought it was a pretty neat setup, an easier way to get the info you need rather than making an individual appointment, at least for primary questions. I talked to U of M Dearborn, Davenport Univ, Oakland University, and Eastern Michigan. I was kind of bummed because the only school that had a speech pathology program was Eastern. I wasn't bummed about it being Eastern, but I would've liked a bit more diversity so I could've chosen one instead of being told, okay, Eastern, that's where it's at. That or Michigan State has a program but I'm not going away. Eastern is in Ypsi and if one of the managers at Jimmy John's can drive here everyday from there, then I can commute to my classes. It's pretty cool because Mae and I will be going there for the same thing, so we can hopefully schedule our classes together and take turns driving out there.

So, while it was a somewhat disappointing night, finding out that almost all of the colleges I was looking at don't have my program or major, it was also very informative and I'm really glad I went. I got some info on campus tours, which I want to take, and just their regular packet of info, and a Macrao transfer guide. There are still a ton more classes at Schoolcraft that I can take that are hopefully transferable, because the representative said I will be at Eastern for 2-5 years and I should take advantage of Schoolcraft's classes as much as I can.

I'm very anxious about all of this, because going to Eastern will be a huge change from what I'm used to now. It will be more money, the work will most likely be harder, and it'll take a lot of time. I will have to actually buckle down and stop fooling around because I'm sure those classes won't come easily. Speech pathology is an entry level Master's degree. A MASTER'S DEGREE. That is unfathomable to me, that I, me, Amber, could do something like go to college and get a master's degree in something that I know I will love to do and be happy doing. Can I do it?

So while I am anxious about the money aspect, and the unbelievable amount of work and effort it will take, and the fact that it's a Master's, I am also happy and content about it. For the first time in my entire life, I'm not sitting here with a giant question mark over my head. I've never been able to see my future, at all, and I've been worried that I will never figure it out. So to have the basis of a plan, a plan that will make me happy in the long run, is an extremely awesome thing for me.

Dreams

I had a very upsetting dream last night. I dreamed my grandma was harassing me (again) about my body or whatever you want to call it and I told her "don't worry, I hate myself just as much as you do." and then she told me she didn't care. It hurt my dream self's feelings and I woke up crying a little bit. :( But I'm better now, lol.

My back left wisdom tooth has started throbbing. It's causing a tension headache and a bit of earache, so I'm in a fantastic mood this morning, lol. I can't wait for my class to be over so I can hang out with Mae. Gosh.

Lately I've had nothing of interest to blog about. I keep meaning to make posts about this or that but then I end up forgetting what I want to write about, and by the time I remember, it just isn't as interesting (to me) anymore.

Today I had a history test. It was on an unbelievable amount of information. We had an entire month's worth of notes covered in this "quiz" and I just can't process that much at once. I was so frustrated last night when I was trying to study that I almost started crying. We had to take the quiz by ourselves, then in our groups. I was so glad that we only turned in the group answers for credit, because by myself I would seriously have crashed and burned. My group consisted of me, katie, my cousin Alyson, this older guy named Bill, and this girl who sits next to Katie (I feel bad I don't remember her name lol). I hope we did okay.

Tomorrow I have class for about an hour and then the rest of the day is mine, so me and Mae are going to take pictures. I'm going to do a photo shoot of her, it's going to be awesome! :)

"Prozac Nation"

My most recent book that I've been reading is called "Prozac Nation" by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I borrowed the book from my cousin, Megan. It's a memoir about a girl who has been struggling with severe depression, among other things, since the age of 12 (she's 25) and is on all kinds of medicine, which she is less than thrilled about.

I've never really been a fan of memoirs, they usually just make me wonder why anyone would want to read the story of somebody else's life. But this book is actually really good. She doesn't try to sugar coat it, and tells her story about her problems with depression and suicidal ideations honestly. This book has some of the best quotes about depression and insanity and many other things that I've ever read. Sample time:

"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."

It speaks volumes that a human being can be so comfortable and forward about their depression that they can write about it like that. I can't wait to read the rest of this book, I highly recommend checking it out if you get the chance to.

Also, there's a movie. I think Mae and I should watch it; it looks like it could rival Girl, Interrupted. =)

Amber Updates

Since I haven't written since Tuesday I figured I'd just wrap up the last couple of days. It's so gross out today. And it's still freezing in my house because my mom refuses to turn on the heat. So I've been living in my thickest pajamas ever and hoodies.

I finished my paper Wednesday at exactly 5pm. (my class starts at 5:30) I went to print it off of our printer, when it promptly jammed and wouldn't print. Cue my mom yelling at me and telling me that I break everything...which I totes mcgotes DO. Then I ran out of the house to go to class at 5:11, got to school at 5:20, which is record breaking time, especially in rush hour traffic. Then I ran to the computer lab, printed out my paper, and made it to my class at exactly 5:30. THAT IS TALENT.

I was still worried that I had done the paper wrong. I was going kind of in the dark because, while there was a description to the process in our syllabus, it was kind of vague. It basically just said "Use the film to analyze the book, and use the book to analyze the film." I was having a hard time doing those things so that the paper went smoothly and made sense. But I somehow got it finished and when we handed our papers in, my teacher was talking about things he noticed in the movie and kinds of things you could have included in your paper...and almost every single one he mentioned was in my paper. So I'm assuming I did it right, lol.

This morning I went to a booksale with my uncle Steve at their library. There were tons of books there, but unfortunately not many that I wanted. I did get four books, though.